Tuesday, February 15, 2011

the one where I say I hate my cat.

To animal lovers everywhere, I apologize (also I'm going to say the word bitch. Twice.).

I hate my cat.

This is a new sensation, this feeling of utter disdain for such a creature. For you see, I am a lover of all animals.

I swear.

At one point in my life I had (this was at the same time mind you): chickens (dozens), geese (a gaggle), cats (13), dogs (3), Bunnies (2. then 7 {cause the first two got it on}. then 2 again when the first 2 for some reason ate their offspring. Disturbing. Moving on.), lizards (enough to scare people), parakeet (1. she survived 3 cat attacks) and tadpoles (a pond full).

I love creatures of all kinds.

Except this cat.

I love her because it's the right thing to do. There's no other compelling reason.

I'm just gonna call a spade a spade here, this cat is a Bitch. I've had a lot of cats, but never one that you can't pick up. Or pet unless she lets you. Or even come near unless you're invited.

I've been spoiled by excellent cats.

I brought three children into our marriage. The Man brought Edgard. No, not that ^ cat up there. This cat:


Now that is an excellent cat. Edgard had all the right cat qualities. He was big. Like an ocelot. And fluffy. Like a lions mane. And sweet. Like a little kitten. He'd lay near you and keep you company and meow only when appropriate. Plus he had his own little cat language of sounds I can't type out. Anyway I won't go into too much detail because he was the Man's cat and the Man should get to go on about how wonderful he was in a post that belongs to him. He took ill not long after we were together and we said goodbye to the Best. Cat. Ever.

And got The Bitch.

Uh I mean Shelby. The worst part of it all is she KNOWS she's awful. When I put the baby down at night, she RUNS all over the upstairs jumping on things and generally being noisy. When we go to bed she prances around the countertop making impossible to brush your teeth while waiting for the Man to turn the faucet on for her (He likes her. I don't get it. He's a saint.) She rolls her white hair all over anything I've recently vacuumed. She sleeps IN THE CRIB. To be fair, Ella will never use that crib, but still, it's for BABIES. She peers down upon her subjects from Ella's window and plots our demise. She's planning a way to murder me in my sleep. I'm almost certain.

She does like two cute things. Maybe one. Yeah just one. She comes running when you turn on the icemaker because she likes to play with ice. It's pretty cute.

That's it.

It's not her fault really that I despise her so.

I've come to the conclusion that I basically want to strangle anything that a. wakes the baby b. makes the house any messier than it already is c. looks at me like I OWE it something. I am BUSY cat. You are no on the top of my list. Sorry come back in 10 years.

It's nothing personal. I don't really like the dogs too much right now either.

But that's a whole other thing.

4 comments:

Staci said...

Every single time I go to your house she rubs herself all over my purse, sweater etc. She knows I'm allergic to her, she does it on purpose...evil cat...pure evil...if I was you, I'd sleep with one eye open. Seriously.

Lizzie said...

There is a reason Edgard was a good cat-those tabbies are the best! Jed-who came back from the dead-is one. My cat Milo from Michigan was one. They just rock!

The Great Quiram Adventure said...

I swear that you were the vessel for my husbands thoughts about cats in this. I love animals and especially cats. I think you may be right about your cat though. Sounds like Staci is right about the whole sleep with your eye open suggestion. Our newest cat is really still a kitten and she is not getting any larger in her body size but her tail is like a foot or more in length. My husband says she is part cat part squirrel (and therefore skitchy and evil as all get out)

Stef said...

I'm sorry, I got stuck on:

"chickens (dozens), geese (a gaggle), cats (13), dogs (3), Bunnies (2. then 7 {cause the first two got it on}. then 2 again when the first 2 for some reason ate their offspring. Disturbing. Moving on.), lizards (enough to scare people), parakeet (1. she survived 3 cat attacks) and tadpoles (a pond full)."

And I couldn't read anymore. You crazy, girl.

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