Friday, February 18, 2011

the one where I confess I only see pediatricians that look like Mel Gibson

Allow me to explain.

Ella is 5 months and 1 week old. She weighs 20.8 pounds. She's fee-at. ( Can you say Hulk Baby?). She's also te-all. I don't know how tall because she won't be still long enough for me to find out.

She does things: She rolls over (prolly case she's fee-at). She holds toys and examines them carefully (trying to figure out if they're edible). In both hands (because when you move it from hand to hand it changes). She grabs food from my plate (She wants to eat. Bad. But we are waiting until she can sit. Which might be forever. More on that later.) She plays with her tongue, sticking it out and sucking on it (also because I presume she thinks it's food). She drools (profusely). She screeches (loudly). She nurses (frequently). She sleeps (occasionally).

She tries to sit up.

She can't (that's why this is blurry, because her punkin head drags the rest of her body over).

The grabby hands.

Fully functioning (Grab. Grab. Grab.).

Rolly poly. Rolling. Over.
Note: Bib. Excessive drool. And by excessive I mean the front of her shirt was so wet with drool I could have squeezed it out then washed the load of laundry with it.

Anyway. There's Ella Bella (her middle name is Grace. For the record.). She's made of butter. And sugar.

And she's on a personal mission to make sure I accomplish absolutely nothing.

And she is awesome in every way.

And she hasn't seen a pediatrician since she was one day old.

When she was one day old we took her to a great doc in a city nearyby to be checked over for any shoulder/clavicle issues she may have had left over from her, shall we say, tight fit. Since then we haven't even considered taking her. People may wonder why.

There are a few reasons for this:

1. She's clearly healthy. I have at least enough medical training as a RN to recognize this. But more importantly, she is my fourth child. I've been there done that.
2. I don't give a rip what the growth chart says (it would say she's fee-at).
3. We aren't fully vaccinating. In fact, presently, we aren't vaccinating at all. Until I've done enough research to know what is going into her and why. And when we do it'll be on our own schedule. Three injections in one day is not happening (don't call CPS).
4. He doesn't look like Mel Gibson (FTR I think Mel Gibson is a jerk. But in 1995 I felt otherwise. Read on.)

When I had my first baby I was 21 years old. Young by most standards. And I took her to the pediatrician for every. single. age. appropriate. visit. She had every physician recommended vaccine right on time. And I did precisely everything he told me to do. For two reasons: A. Because he was smart and kind and the closest thing to a holistic doc I'd ever met (it was he who said the varicella vax was overrated). I trusted him and listened to him. He gave great advice like limit sugar and air your house out when your kids are sick. He told me to get her out of daycare when she was plagued with repeated ear infections to the point that I could no longer remember a time she wasn't taking antibiotics and I was buying echinacea by the gallon. And when it became clear she might need tubes he was willing to wait it out. Good thing because she escaped without them. Oh and B. He was KEY-UTE (Mel Gibson. First Lethal Weapon. That kind of cute. Now stop judging me it was 1995. That look was in. Sheesh.)

Anyway time marched on. More kids were born. And they got sick. And we went to the doc. And I found out that every time we went to the doc they seemed to get sick from being AT THE DOC. And it was Hell. Capital H. Plus the doc was mean. And he didn't look ANYTHING like Mel Gibson. The nerve. Eventually their super duper superhero immune systems kicked in pretty dern good and they stopped getting so sick I thought someone might die (most likely me) (now that I've said that they're all going to get the plague. Tomorrow.) SO we stopped going entirely. And they're healthy. Aside from the occasional emergency thing or incurable skin rash we just don't go. (ask my kids, I've been known to try to use breastmilk to cure everything from an earache to skin rash to eye infection {also, I'm not crazy, it actually works.})

This baffles people.

I still love my children. I swear. If the ped looked like Hugh Jackman I still wouldn't go.

Now I have to go get absolutely nothing done because Ella is drooling all over the keyboard.


Lizzie said...

My friend Christie swore by the breast milk cure. She used it for eye infections when they were too tight on gas money to drive into town. I am so wary of vaccines, but cannot decide if harm outweighs good or vice versa.

Lizzie said...

btw-levi went crazy looking at Ella. He said "bee bee has a balls! bee bee!!!"

The "L" in ELF said...

Lol! Ella is a chunky monkey just like my son! How adorable!

Stopping by and following from OGG Bloghop!

Ballerina Baller said...

sooo... you make me laugh so hard my face hurts. my son, now 6 1/2 months is also, as you say, fee-at. like his legs don't fit in the bumbo fat. like his 3 yo sis can fit in the bumbo and he can't fat. also, we also don't go to the ped... i've been thinking about maybe getting his 6 mo check up. just to see. but he is healthy and like you said, last time we went to the ped, every body got sick. as in, the world. as in both my parents and my brother and my man who was in LA at the time and our neighbor. and me. suck. any way. keep at it. fat nurslings make the world go round.

RamosFamilyBlog said...

We go for Tristan's "well baby" visits, even though all we really get out of it is a height and weight for the baby book. I thought about not going, but we found an osteopath we really love. He is super sweet...never questions our decision not to vaccinate, and I guess since he is our first well baby visits were exciting! Honestly...I just couldn't wait to see how much our little chunker had gained! Love these fat little nurslings!

The Great Quiram Adventure said...

I ddi not have the kids vaccinated until it was time for school and even then it was only the ones that the law required them to have without me throwing a total fit and claiming some whoo-ee religious exemption. My kids never go to the doctor...if they really need to I would certainly take them but they so rarely get sick. I breastfed all of them and I am sure that is why they are so healthy. Magnum has "growing pains" in his legs but what could they really do about those anyway. Ella is in good hands and I don't blame you for not taking her. Keep up the good work.

Also, I studied for the LSAT for all the good it did me. I would give anything to make my life career be photographer if I thought for a second I could support my kids on that income.

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