the secrets we keep

Disclaimer: This is a multipurpose blog.

I like to educate, entertain, inform. I like to make you laugh and sometimes make you cry. I like to make you think. I like to be funny. Sometimes I like to be a little serious.

I ran into an old friend today. Well she's not old. She's my age. (Am I old? Wait... don't answer that.) What I mean to say is we used to know each other pretty well. I really loved and admired her in those days. I still do. She's a great mother and wife and a beautiful person. We don't socialize anymore because we aren't in the same social circles. I won't go into that.

Anyway we chatted about life. About keeping up with the Joneses. About assumptions people make. About feeling like your neighbor was doing so much better than you because you didn't know their truths, their secrets.

I told my friend about the blog post I'd written where I suggested we all just confess to each other all our shortcomings our mistakes.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we knew we weren't alone in imperfection?

I think it would.

In that light, I'll go first.

*There are things that happened to me as a child that I don't usually talk about. Because they hurt. I am embarrassed.

*Because of these things (and others) I have struggled with self-esteem. I still do sometimes. It's a process. I am mindful of it.

*I have made decisions as a salve to my self-esteem. I am aware of this.

*I have felt the hushed murmurs and judgement of my friends and family. I was hurt by it.

*I have made judgements and spoken badly about people before. I didn't like it done to me. Therefore I try hard not to do it.

* I worked hard to get into UC Davis so I could go to Vet school. Then I quit after a year. I thought I'd take a year off and go back. I didn't. Not until much later. I have always wished I finished it there.

*My sister graduated from UC Davis. It was one of my proudest moments. And yet I was very sad it wasn't me.

*I have suffered through postpartum depression. I cried a lot and felt like I was worthless a lot. I felt alone.

* I have lost my patience and yelled at my children. I don't really much anymore. But I used to. More times than I like to think about. I was young and overwhelmed and unhappy sometimes.

*I co-sleep and practice attached parenting. I believe in letting babies self-wean and holding your kids close to you as much as you can, but at one point 15 years ago I let my eldest child cry in her crib. Because I was exhausted. I still feel awful about it.

*My kids have sometimes watched too much TV and played too much nintendo/gamecube/xbox/psp/playstation and read too little. I was tired and didn't want to fight them about it.

*My husband and I don't always get along. We don't scream at each other but we do bicker, sometimes about stupid things. I don't like when we do.

*Sometimes I intend to get things done and I don't. Because I want to sit on the sofa. I am sometimes lazy.

*I have, on a couple of occasions in my lifetime, drank too much. I was probably sad.

*I have never done any drugs, of any kind. And I kind of wish I had.

*Despite the fact that I have never done drugs of any kind, I am not as square as you think.

*I curse. Sometimes I even use the f word.

*I try to be eco-aware and live green but I also drink diet soda and I buy drinks in Styrofoam cups. I feel guilty about it every single time but yet I still do it.

*I still eat fast food occasionally. It's not good for you and I know it and yet I still do it.

*I have eaten more cookies than I'd like to admit. Today I ate pie, out of the dish. I'm not proud of it.

*I have occupied myself with things to keep from being depressed to the point of being obsessed. I have stayed up all night sewing. I have eaten sadness away. I have run until my leg was broke. I'm not proud of that either.

*I need to exercise more. I know this. And yet somedays I just don't want to go through the hassle of it.

*I used to be thin. I was young and ate everything I wanted. I thought I was fat.

*I used to be fat. I was working nights and depressed. I hated my body but didn't care. I knew I was fat.

*Then I was thin again. I was working out 2 and sometimes 3 hours a day. I was obsessed with being thin. I had no idea I was that thin.

*Now I'm not thin. Again. Though my husband love me the way I am, I don't always love my body. I feel bad about it. I'm pretty sure I'm fat again. It's probably better than being obsessed with being thin.

*I'm working on loving myself despite all of this. And when I fail at that, I feel like a failure.

I am a work in progress. If any of these things remind you of you. Phew. I'm not alone. Neither are you.

What are your secrets?