Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the secrets we keep

Disclaimer: This is a multipurpose blog.

I like to educate, entertain, inform. I like to make you laugh and sometimes make you cry. I like to make you think. I like to be funny. Sometimes I like to be a little serious.

I ran into an old friend today. Well she's not old. She's my age. (Am I old? Wait... don't answer that.) What I mean to say is we used to know each other pretty well. I really loved and admired her in those days. I still do. She's a great mother and wife and a beautiful person. We don't socialize anymore because we aren't in the same social circles. I won't go into that.

Anyway we chatted about life. About keeping up with the Joneses. About assumptions people make. About feeling like your neighbor was doing so much better than you because you didn't know their truths, their secrets.

I told my friend about the blog post I'd written where I suggested we all just confess to each other all our shortcomings our mistakes.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we knew we weren't alone in imperfection?

I think it would.

In that light, I'll go first.

*There are things that happened to me as a child that I don't usually talk about. Because they hurt. I am embarrassed.

*Because of these things (and others) I have struggled with self-esteem. I still do sometimes. It's a process. I am mindful of it.

*I have made decisions as a salve to my self-esteem. I am aware of this.

*I have felt the hushed murmurs and judgement of my friends and family. I was hurt by it.

*I have made judgements and spoken badly about people before. I didn't like it done to me. Therefore I try hard not to do it.

* I worked hard to get into UC Davis so I could go to Vet school. Then I quit after a year. I thought I'd take a year off and go back. I didn't. Not until much later. I have always wished I finished it there.

*My sister graduated from UC Davis. It was one of my proudest moments. And yet I was very sad it wasn't me.

*I have suffered through postpartum depression. I cried a lot and felt like I was worthless a lot. I felt alone.

* I have lost my patience and yelled at my children. I don't really much anymore. But I used to. More times than I like to think about. I was young and overwhelmed and unhappy sometimes.

*I co-sleep and practice attached parenting. I believe in letting babies self-wean and holding your kids close to you as much as you can, but at one point 15 years ago I let my eldest child cry in her crib. Because I was exhausted. I still feel awful about it.

*My kids have sometimes watched too much TV and played too much nintendo/gamecube/xbox/psp/playstation and read too little. I was tired and didn't want to fight them about it.

*My husband and I don't always get along. We don't scream at each other but we do bicker, sometimes about stupid things. I don't like when we do.

*Sometimes I intend to get things done and I don't. Because I want to sit on the sofa. I am sometimes lazy.

*I have, on a couple of occasions in my lifetime, drank too much. I was probably sad.

*I have never done any drugs, of any kind. And I kind of wish I had.

*Despite the fact that I have never done drugs of any kind, I am not as square as you think.

*I curse. Sometimes I even use the f word.

*I try to be eco-aware and live green but I also drink diet soda and I buy drinks in Styrofoam cups. I feel guilty about it every single time but yet I still do it.

*I still eat fast food occasionally. It's not good for you and I know it and yet I still do it.

*I have eaten more cookies than I'd like to admit. Today I ate pie, out of the dish. I'm not proud of it.

*I have occupied myself with things to keep from being depressed to the point of being obsessed. I have stayed up all night sewing. I have eaten sadness away. I have run until my leg was broke. I'm not proud of that either.

*I need to exercise more. I know this. And yet somedays I just don't want to go through the hassle of it.

*I used to be thin. I was young and ate everything I wanted. I thought I was fat.

*I used to be fat. I was working nights and depressed. I hated my body but didn't care. I knew I was fat.

*Then I was thin again. I was working out 2 and sometimes 3 hours a day. I was obsessed with being thin. I had no idea I was that thin.

*Now I'm not thin. Again. Though my husband love me the way I am, I don't always love my body. I feel bad about it. I'm pretty sure I'm fat again. It's probably better than being obsessed with being thin.

*I'm working on loving myself despite all of this. And when I fail at that, I feel like a failure.

I am a work in progress. If any of these things remind you of you. Phew. I'm not alone. Neither are you.

What are your secrets?


8 comments:

The Great Quiram Adventure said...

I told a man I loved deeply that I did not love hi because I thought I would ruin his life. Thankfully he is still one of my dearest friends and accepts me for all my wickedness.

I have those same feelings of self loathing about body (shape,size and weight) I know they are ridiculous. By no means of the imagination are you or I FAT...we've had children and nourished them body and soul...my opinion is that we are lacking in muscle tone and with a little effort could be healthy and content and still able to eat (pie, cookies and CAKE!!!)

I have waited too long to adopt a daughter. I have known for years I desire to adopt a girl for many years and keep telling myself when the time is right I will do it....so now the time is right. I filled out all the forms and I am working on it.

I failed a friend when she was dying from breast cancer...it was terrible and made me realize the power of a good friend.

I feel like many times I have not been the friend I should be...i keep trying.

I feel like my desire to go to law school is selfish and deprives my children...but I know in the long run it will be for their ultimate benefit and example.

I have a deep faith...I just wish others around me would stop judging everyone and remember where their faith comes from...LOVE.

Well this was deep for early morning and probably an over share...but I believe in honesty.

Joni said...

It's never too deep Genny. Thank you for sharing your truths. I too felt returning to school was selfish. Every time I had to study and I felt like they suffered I questioned that choice. It's hard being a mom,

I'm so happy to hear you're putting wheels in motion to get your daughter. She's waiting for you :)

hugs

Lizzie said...

My first marriage failed. Miserably. To this day, my ex husband has never held a job, a relationship, is on drugs and has failing health. He is a sociopath and a manipulator, but I still can't help feeling I did it to him. I got remarried. Had other children. Got a life. That is secret guilt number one.
Secret guilt number two is I dated a freshman while I was a senior. I broke his heart. I heard later that he liked to date teenage girls while he was in his twenties. I feel that I ruined him and unleashed an attack on young women that mortifies me.
What kind of person am I? I have hurt people knowing how bad it feels to be hurt.

RamosFamilyBlog said...

Can I just start off by saying I LOVE your blog!! You really should write a book.

My imperfections are vast, so I'll just name a few. (btw...I agree, wish everyone would stop acting like their lives are so flippin perfect. A few friends in particular come to mind. I get so sick of hearing or reading about (on fb) how wonderful their marriages are, how they NEVER fight, how perfect their kids are...)

Okay....so here goes.

* I obsess over my weight...weigh myself everyday.

* My husband and I fight....too much.

* My child watches TV and he isn't even 2 yet, something I said I would never do. **fail**

* I don't cloth diaper...okay, I tryed, but it was just a mess. Leaks, too much laundry and well I just didn't want to be handling that much poop, outside of work that is!

* I crave chocolate and sweets ALL the time. I have been known to eat pie right out of the dish as well and am not proud of it.

* I have a slight addiction to the internet, and spend way too much time on it, instead of playing leggos with my child **fail again**

* I curse...not as much as the hubby, but too much for little ears. Hate that about myself.

* I feel all alone....alot. I don't have many friends who have the same philosphies as I do on life or parenting. Most the friends that I *thought* were friends...well, they turned out to not be. Makes me sad.

So...I could go on and on. Believe me, you are NOT alone!

Thanks for your blog...I look forward to reading it. I think if we lived closer we would be great friends :-)

Joni said...

Um yeah... I can check off a lot of those :)

Stef said...

Joni, I'm a lurker on your blog and, well, just read this: http://stefdwe.blogspot.com/2011/01/my-blogging-inspiration-aka-im-so.html.

Staci said...

You know all of my secrets, because we are kindred. I am so glad that you found your way back to my life all those months ago...in the emails where I cried as I typed, all of the things I should have said to you long ago. I am so glad that you are like 3 miles from me, that we just had dinner tonight...that we're going to whole foods in the morning...and that I know on the way there, we will spill all of our secrets, because that's what we do. Thanks for teaching me that it's awesome to tell the truth lady, I love ya :)

madcat said...
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