Friday, January 14, 2011

I am.

I am a wife.

A sister.

A daughter.

A nurse.

And I am a mother.

So I'll be honest with you.


Yesterday I felt suddenly like I had no identity. Maybe you know what I mean? Maybe not. I've been a mom for a long time now but the sudden realization that I'm no longer identified as "nurse" made me question what I am at all. What do I have to contribute to any conversation? Am I interesting at all? I won't go into what brought this feeling on. I'll just say it was there.

I'm not a doctor. I don't have a masters degree. I don't live in a big or interesting city. I don't play an instrument and I barely sing (it's pretty bad). The Victoria's Secret catalog came in the mail yesterday. Swimsuit edition. Ack. Two years ago I was picking bikinis out of that catalog. This year... that catalog goes straight to the recycling bin. Funny thing is I don't really want to be that size ever again. (To those of you who knew me at that size I think you know what I mean.) In any case, I WAS that size. Now I'm not. Also I'm just plain old jiggly. All over. I tried to read a book to expand my mind. Ella had other ideas. She would have no part of this indulgence. I felt like a blob. I was feeling pretty pathetic.

It's ridiculous I know.

But my sweet husband said I should talk about hard things so here you go.

I'm not always sure about everything. Despite my tough exterior I sometimes feel like I'm not sure about anything.

So I said to my friend Staci (who is one of the few real friends I have)... is it weird that I feel boring and inadequate? (You don't have to answer this question in your mind but feel free to if it applies to you as well.)

And she said, "You my friend are not boring, you are an adult. You had a baby in your kitchen. Has that lost it's power?"

Pause for reflection.

Then... "You helped people birth their children and then you helped people transition into death and then you CHOSE to stay home because YOU are the best choice for your family."

Oh. Yeah. I'll shut up now.

I am a wife.

A sister.

A daughter.

A nurse.

And I am a mother.

I have given birth 4 times, once in my kitchen.

It was pretty frickin awesome.

And that's enough.


Britches said...

Its nice to see that I am not the only one that goes through this type of thinking, thank you so much.

The Great Quiram Adventure said...

Joni, you are a great all of those things. What you and Matt are willing to sacrifice economically for your family is more valuable than any wage you could earn. Keep your chin up because you are doing a grand thing!

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